Adventures in...

Peru: Part Five.

Coming into Lima's international airport you fly over a sprawling shanty town. There is a clear divide between the rich and poor in this country. I'll tell you it isn't the rich people sitting in those slot machine casinos I'd eventually see everywhere in Lima. Or the children who harassed us trying to sell us gum all night while we sat at the bar. It is a depressing fact you see pretty much almost everywhere across the world.

I collect my luggage and as soon as I'm through the Arrivals gate I'm surrounded by taxi drivers. It has been suggested by co-workers to take the Green Taxi's because they are the most reliable, cleanest cars, and generally honest. As I'm shown to a decent looking Merc by my driver I'm still being harassed and pulled by other drivers from other companies. I guess driving a fat white guy around is big business. The driver makes small talk and plays Spanish pop music while he fights traffic so thick and confusing it would make me crack. I reply as well as I can and just stare out the window at this alien city.

It seems like the Grand Road Works of Peru is women sweeping the sand off the roads. I first noticed it when I arrived in Iquitos in Alfred's moto-taxi and my wandering around the hotel area. It seems now that I'm in Lima these ladies get uniforms and special corn brooms unlike the seemingly isolated people of Lima.

I check into my hotel. I take a shower. I call the company's office in Lima. I meet up with another co-worker and go to the office. We small talk. I do a few things. I make my way back towards the hotel. I explore three blocks around the hotel and realize I haven't eaten since my plane ride from Toronto to Lima just drank beers, water, and Coke.

The hotel restaurant is on the floor above my room. It has a pretty decent view of this area of the city. I order a Coke, some mozzarella sticks and guacamole, and the most amazing veggie sandwich I've ever had in my life. I'm the only person in the restaurant. So I'm the only person who is forced to succumb to the eccentric staff and more terrible Spanish pop.

I explore the neighbourhood a little more but eventually come back to my room to take a nap. When I wake up I turn on the BBC because it seems to be the only channel in English. I'm not complaining it was exactly what I needed to watch. Unaware of what was going on in the world apart from the pictures in the Lima newspaper in my room. Eventually I repack my bags while watching 'Borat' which is in English and call for a taxi to the airport.

This taxi cab driver is fair bit more talkative than my last cab driver. I humour him and he plays english music from the 60's mixed with the crappy pop of the mid 90's. I finally make it to the airport after hearing his life story and him telling me I'm getting to old to be a bachelor. That I should really get married and have children. He seems displeased when I say I don't really want to do those things.

Once checked in, paying a ridiculous airport fee of $30, and going through security. I settle into a seat near my gate. Talk to some Canadian backpackers (one who will be on every one of my flights back to Victoria because she is from Nanaimo). Look at Duty Free and board the plane.

I sit in the emergency exit row back to Toronto and all the stewardesses know me from my trip down two days earlier. They are amazed at my turn around and bring me all sorts of treats throughout the flight just because.

I eventually fall asleep for about 15 minutes somewhere over the Gulf of Mexico. This is the life.

Adventures in...

Peru: Part Four.

Alfred is waiting in the lobby when I finally stroll out of my room to check out. It's just as dark out as it was when I wandered back to the hotel a couple hours ago. The slot machine casino across the street is just as busy and full of stale cigarette smoke as it was yesterday afternoon. I could really use a beer to get rid of this nagging headache. I'm sure it has something to do with all the beers last night and the lack of sleep over the last couple days.

Eventually I throw my backpack in the back of Alfred's moto-taxi and he kicks the engine to life. He's on a mission it seems. We are going as fast as his moto-taxi will take us. At least this morning I'm wearing my glasses to keep the sand from flying in my eyes. The streets of Iquitos are starting to come to life with the rising sun and heat. The fruit vendors are setting up and the stray dogs are already begging for scraps.

When we finally get to the airport I settle my tab with Alfred and wish him the best. Inside the airport I check in and in no time flat befriend some lady German backpackers who assume I'm a backpacker and not working. We drink some Cokes and make the meaningless chit chat you learn when you are backpacking. "Where are you from? How long have you been away?" And other questions you ask to make temporary friends while you are on the road.

Thick cold smoke spills out of the plane. I'm relieved to find out it is only the air conditioning. We taxi down the runway I look out the window at the tarmac, jungle, and the company's helicopters sitting there.

By the time I can see the Amazon river and become mesmerized as I watch the world get further beneath us I've forgotten those German girls names.

Adventures in...

Peru: Part Three.


I can't sleep anymore. This pillow smells like someone else's head sweat and mildew. The air conditioner sounds like horses are kicking it and the fucking maid has knocked on my door twice. Despite the sign hanging off the doorknob that I assume is Spanish for "Do Not Disturb."

I'm awake, my teeth are brushed and I'm showered. Time to take on this foreign land with inquisitive eyes of well the Spanish Inquisition.

You can get to Iquitos by plane or taking a boat up the Amazon which makes Iquitos one of the largest cities in the world that can't be accessed by road. This obviously prevents some things from establishing themselves there. I didn't see any real evidence of corporate America splayed across the town apart from the MoneyTree-esq bank or two I saw.

When I finally decided to head out into the mid day sun I was quite surprised by the amount of people moving in the streets. In my quest to find something to eat I realized a majority of places were closed for a siesta. I never ended up finding a place to grab some food but I think after walking around Iquitos for a while it was the last thing I wanted to do.

Garbage on the streets and the smell of sewage filled my nostrils as I wandered aimlessly in the area near my hotel. Stray dogs hid in the shade or drank mystery water (I'm guessing it wasn't from the best source) and I got dirty looks from the locals.

As I made my way to Plaza de Armas I was surrounded. Being a fat white guy in South America is like dressing like a ghost at the Million Man March. You stand out and you become a target. A target to unload their handmade jewelry (with real crocodile teeth), cheesy tourist shirts, and other crap you see anytime you visit a foreign land. Constantly asked my name and where I'm from. Every sentence finished with "My Amigo" an age old technique I'm sure to lure a false sense of friendship before getting ripped off on souvenirs. I'm not one for souvenirs so these tactics don't usually work on me.

Eventually I made my way to the river but every time I turned around I was being harassed by guys trying to sell me crap or in two cases blow. Eventually it became to much when I couldn't even take a picture without a blurry head popping into the frame with the promise of the best and cheapest jewellery in Iquitos. So I made my way back to the Isabelle under the beating sun, Inca flags, and the barrage of moto-taxi drivers asking if I wanted a ride.

After spending the rest of my afternoon in a coma like nap. Travelling the way I did mixed with the heat and humidity really took it out of me. Eventually after the sun goes down I head down to a bar to meet up with some guys I know working down there. Our table spills out onto the sidewalk while Lady Gaga's "Poker Face" seems to be played on an endless loop at the karaoke bar next door. Eventually the bar we combats music blasting from the karaoke bar with some Pink Floyd which is answered by Darude and Prodigy. All this happens while we pour cold beer after beer and are harassed by kids trying to sell us gum, sunglasses, and cigarettes.  

After to many beers closing out the bar at midnight we head back to our respective hotels but not before a couple of the guys try to convince me to go to clubbing. I waffle from my plans of showering and getting more sleep but when things start to fall through I start heading back to Plaza de Armas. While the guys wait for a moto-taxi we a propositioned by some local prostitutes.

All I seem to make out is the words "mustache," "suck," and "dollars." Along with the international blowjob hand/ facial gesture I put two and two together and realize what is going on. I'm starting to think the Peruvians don't really understand "no" or "no thanks." They seem to be quite persistent.

Eventually I decide to ditch the guys and walk some of the beer out of my system. When I get to my room I discover the walls are paper thin. As I can hear the people fucking next door quite loudly. I fire up my ipod and try to get some sleep.

I do have to catch a flight to Lima in less than five hours.

Adventures in...

Peru: Part Two.

How the hell am I still functioning?

I've completely lost track of what day it is. I feel like I've been doing this my entire life but I think it only has been a day. I've never been able to sleep on an airplane. It just doesn't feel right to fall asleep while sitting in an uncomfortable chair with your knees jammed into the seat in front of you. And if I do fall asleep I get woken up because the French Canadian lady who is sitting by the window needs to use the bathroom or the stewardess bashes my elbow with the drink cart. So I watch shitty movies and television shows that have only become funny because of my sleep deprivation or fire up the ipod to listen to the Talking Heads.   

The last thing you ever want to do after being in transit for 24 hours is deal with foreign Customs. When you are faced with a situation were the officials think you are lying when it comes to the value of the parts you are bringing into the country play dumb. I find it is the easiest way. If you have to a small bribe goes a long way (so I hear). Almost $600 USD later I'm half conscious and waiting for yet another flight. At least this flight is to my final destination Iquitos (well for the time being).

I don't quite know what is going to happen when I land. There were vague plans to meet a Peruvian moto-taxi driver named Alfred at the airport. I also heard a rumbling of meeting up with an engineer but what the final plans were I have no clue. My world phone doesn't work in Peru apparently and my Peruvian cellphone doesn't have minutes on it.

As soon as the plane lands in Iquitos I'm hit with the sticky humid air that can only come from the rainforest. The sun is coming up from behind the forest lining the airport and I can see three of our helicopters are parked on the runway. So at least I know I'm in the right place.

Ten minutes after getting off the plane I'm flying down pot holed roads in the back of a moto-taxi. My eyes feel like they are being rubbed with sandpaper from all the crap flying off the road. This ride almost feels like a video game from the way we are weaving in and out of traffic. When I get to my hotel room the sun is out at full brightness and the birds are squawking.

Iquitos is just waking up but I'm ready for bed.

Adventures in...

Peru: Part One

There is no getting around that I went to Peru last month. I was gone for a total of 4 days and a vast majority of that was travel.

The first part of my multiple part story of last minute travel to a foreign land is some questions I've been asked. I figure I could get them out of the way first so I don't get asked them a few hundred more times.

Q: Did you go to Machu Picchu?
A: Nope. Wish I could have gone but it takes 3 days to acclimatize to the altitude before you can even go up there.

Q: Did you go to the Nazca Lines?
A: Sure didn't! I would have loved to go there. The part of me that is interested in the supernatural and weird shit would have killed to have go there but time/money were a big constriction on things. I was in Iquitos for 24hrs and most of that was sleeping. I was also in Lima which is where I would have had to catch a flight to Nazca from but I was only in Lima for 14hrs. Which makes it difficult to fly somewhere for a couple hours.

Q: You went to Lake Titicaca right?
A: I really wanted to just like the other two places but time and money were a factor. I mean who doesn't want to go to Lake Titicaca?

Q: Did you eat anything weird?
A: I think I only ate once when I was there. A mixture of not being hungry, heat, and jet lag usually curbs my appetite.

Q: Did you see anyone eating guinea pig?
A: I didn't but I did see some for sale at the market. I had to read my guide book to figure out what the did with the guinea pigs.

Q: Well did you do anything cool?
A: Of course I did. I flushed the toilet to see which way the water flowed. I turned down some persistent prostitutes. I drank for hours with a bunch of guys I work with. I day dreamed while looking out airplane windows. Went to a new continent. Crossed the Equator for the first time. And looked at the Amazon for a half hour while being harassed by guys trying to sell me t-shirts, jewelry, and blow.

Q: Did you at least have some fun?
A: Lots.

Q: Did you take any photos?
A: I sure did! I took a different approach at how I take photos while I was in Peru. You can check out some on my flickr.

Q: Would you do it again?
A: Of course. I love traveling and a little adventure like this makes life interesting. If my work wants to offer me more cool quick trips anywhere I'll go in a heartbeat.

Another part of "Adventures in...Peru" will be up soon.