World Wide Weirdos.

The internet is a funny place but sometimes it skeeves me out.

How ladies put pictures of themselves with out the constant fear of some weirdo finding it I'll never know. There a few of my photos of female friends on flickr that have been favourited or have ended up on some very messed up websites and forums. It is messed up. People out there have some fucked up fetishes like girls in dunk tanks, girls and statues, and girls with casts.

How does it get to the point where they go "Fuck! Normal porn doesn't do it for me anymore. I need to find a picture of a girl riding a t-rex, with bunny ears on, and Big Bird is masturbating in the corner." So here is my story about the internet being full of creeps.

A few years ago I signed up for what I thought was a beard enthusiast site. Something like Beardface or Beardbook I can't remember but I remember Shaynebow had recommended I join this social networking site for people with beards.

So I created an account. Just like every other social networking site I put up a picture of myself and some kind of funny statement about myself. Generally it is "In Beard We Trust." I leave it at that and come back to it a few hours or days later and there are several "welcome" messages. The first one is a little weird something about hugs or some weird junk like that. The further down the list the more I got creeped out. The last comment having things like "semen, beard, and buttsex" all in two sentences.

I deleted my account immediately after reading that comment.

No thank you! Not for me! I like ladies.

Shayne had sent me to a site I thought was about beards but turned out to be a bear cruising site. How I didn't guess it before is a mystery to me. It made me wonder two things. How did Shayne know about this website? And are people tugging one out to a picture of me on the internet?

I'm okay with all the ladies out there who are attracted to me because of some kind of father issue they need to resolve with an overweight bearded man or the ones out there who lust for Grizzly Adams but the idea of some guy sitting at home tugging one out to a picture of me in Vienna weirds me out. There must be someone out there doing this because I've seen who favourites my flickr photos and what else they've favourited. A picture of me in all my majesty doesn't go well next to a picture of an ejaculating penis.

My narcassism only goes so far and it stops at penises.

The Confusion.

In two hours we will be getting the fuck out of Dodge and heading north to the border. Frankly I can’t wait, but I don’t want to go home. Things I don’t want to deal with are sitting at the border waiting for me and those devils will always find you.

What’s the last thing you decide to do before you walk 4km with a backpack on your back? Decide to go to your local Starbucks. We jay walk across the street from the hostel to the Starbucks throw our bags on the floor and table.

First things first I order my Americano (I am in the land of the free after all) then it’s on to flirt with the cute barista who is asking where we are from. There is no one behind us in the line so we have a bit of time to chat as I move down the bar to wait for my warm beverage (caution contents are hot) and the other barista joins in the conversation. We talk Canada something I could do all day, and what patriot couldn’t.

Finally I get my drink and I head to the island where I can get cream and a lid for my drink to be greeted by an older Mexican man with a wild smile on his face. He gives me a wink, and I’m pretty sure my face went to the perplexed “what the fuck face” pretty quick.

He throws up both hands as if to surrender and goes in a thick Spanish accent “No No, No…That was for the Senorita.”
I respond with relief “Oh! No worries.” It was a good thing because I needed to take a piss and I didn’t need him trying to rape me in the bathroom.

I head to sit down at the table with Darryl moving my bag of beer and cds from my chair onto the table plop down to enjoy my last coffee in America. Just then this tanned arm reaches around me and grabs my bag on the table. In quick response I grab it and pull it down to the table and say “This is mine.”

The wild smiling Mexican man shakes his head and in his thick accent says “No!”
“I’m serious this is mine not yours,” and he releases looking around the store and the smile fades.

This is it. I’m going to die in 2hrs before heading home. Shanked prison style in a fucking Starbucks. A fucking coffee house. I’ve wasted my life.

He realizes his bag is on the table next to us and apologizes. That’s it I think it is done. He will leave us alone I can go on with my coffee,  the goose bumps can recede, and I won’t die in America this trip.

The wild smile is back and he comes to introduce himself as Salvador Sanchez but won’t leave us alone. I’m trying to quicken our conversation to an end so we can get out of there or he will leave us alone. He regales his life story in an accent I can’t quite break and our faces probably show panic. Eventually a Spanish speaking employee comes and helps get rid of Salvador for us, and after he leaves all the baristas let out a “what the fuck?” Under their breath but within ear shot of Darryl and I.

We chat about it for a few more minutes then rush off to catch our bus back to Canada. I think I'm done with this country for a while.